White Crane Centre
Goju ryu, Kyusho jitsu, Krav Maga, Kobudo.
Who Abuses
Who Abuses
Who is he?
The victim needs to understand the abuser's personality traits, not to try to change him (which almost never happens) but to realize how harmful and destructive the abuser behaves and to understand that the blame for the abuse is always on the perpetrator. Read more under Different types of abuse.
He has a great need for control because he does not feel in control of himself and his own life.
He needs to dominate others in order to feel strong and significant.
He has low self-esteem and feels threatened by the success of others.
He feels insecure and inadequate and must therefore push others down to feel better.
He blames his shortcomings on others.
He thinks his own needs are more important than others.
He is insensitive, unable to understand the opinions of others and unable to empathize with others.
He thinks he's always right.
He is impatient, easily irritated and has a short stub.
He has unrealistic, unreasonable expectations of others.
He is a perfectionist.
Can be extremely distancing and cold when you are in disgrace and he wants to punish or control you.
He is far-sighted and does not forgive.
He may have rapid mood swings.
He is suspicious and jealous.
He is angry, tense and frustrated.
The list is taken from and modified from Beverly Engels' book "The verbally abused woman".
What does he mean and what does he want?
The victim usually devotes a lot of time and energy to the two issues. Now you get answers to them.
The abuser is not interested in resolving hurtful misunderstandings. He is not interested in making peace. He does not want to discuss the "problem". He does not care about your feelings and does not want to hear you say that you are hurt. He is not at all interested in your well-being or making your relationship work. He's not on your side.
Even if he stubbornly denies it, he is your opponent. His greatest interest is to gain power and control over you. He does what he needs to do to feel stronger and make you feel weaker. His driving force is anger, not love.
