White Crane Centre
Goju ryu, Kyusho jitsu, Krav Maga, Kobudo.
What Includes Mental Abuse
What Includes Mental Abuse
Controlling
He wants control over who you talk to, who you hang out with, what contacts you have on, for example, MSN. He always wants to know where you are and what you are doing. He interferes in your studies, your work. He can prevent you from receiving medical care, for example. He is overly jealous and makes unjustified accusations. He tries to prevent you from having good contact with your family and friends. He prevents you from making good contact with his family and friends. He may force you to commit illegal acts. He may threaten to harm your relatives or your property if you do not do as he says.
Emotional blackmail
He plays on your emotions to get you to do as he pleases. This is how it may sound:
"Choose between me and your mother!"
"If you really loved me, you would stay home and not run out with your girlfriends"
"If you do not lose weight, I will leave you!"
“You only think of yourself! What should I do when you only care about your career? ”
Another variant is that he refuses to show tenderness or have sex with you until you agree to his demands.
Unpredictability
He has sudden outbursts for no apparent reason. He reacts completely differently to the same situation from time to time. What he said yesterday does not apply today. His mood swings mean you can never know what's going to happen next. He starts a fight with you without you disagreeing on anything. You feel scared and are on full alert as you wait for your partner's next outbreak - which can come at any time.
Sexual harassment
He forces you to have sex when you do not want to. He forces you to agree to sexual acts that you find unpleasant. If you say no, he will threaten you with violence or get another woman to stand up.
Makes you seem crazy
He denies things that you both know have happened, such as that he has offended you. He claims that you are lying or imagining. He makes you doubt what you have heard and seen, even doubt your understanding.
"I have never said that!"
"You must be crazy!"
"You just invent!"
Threat of physical injury
He smashes things in your home. He threatens to hurt you or someone you like. He drives so fast and carelessly that you fear for your life when he is angry.
Financial abuse
You have to leave your money to him and then you get to beg and ask for some pocket money. He decides your own finances. You do not have a bank account that you have at your disposal. You have no insight into is the economy. Another variant is that he lets you pay all the bills and only when you ask him does he very reluctantly give you a small amount. What he does with the rest of the salary, he does not think you have anything to do with.
Offensive expectations
He demands unreasonable things from you, such as that you should be sexually available at all times and that you should only devote yourself to him. You should let go of everything you have as soon as he wants something from you. He is never happy no matter how hard you try.
Offensive name
He calls you bitch, slut, whore, idiot or other derogatory words.
Withholding
He hides his feelings. He can be silent for several days in a row without talking about what is wrong. He thinks many things do not concern you. He makes you wonder how he feels about you. He refuses to plan for the future with you. He refuses to show tenderness. If you try to talk to him, he is silent or answers something such as "There is nothing to talk about" or "you are still not interested".
Accusatory
He accuses and reproaches you. He treats you as if you were his enemy. "You just want problems" "You attack me" "You never leave me alone".
Blocking and diverting
When you try to talk to him about something you think is important, he blocks you, such as "Who asked for your opinion?" "Bullshit!" "You think you know everything."
Another variant is when he changes the subject of the conversation and makes sure that you have to defend yourself from his accusations, for example you ask where the household money has gone and get one of these answers: "You are just looking for my money!" "I'm sorry for your complaints!" "But you have not done anything in XX years yourself!". He distracts you almost imperceptibly from the original subject and you never get an answer to what you wanted to discuss. You end up feeling confused and frustrated.
Trivialize
What you think is important is just nonsense. What you have succeeded in means nothing. He brings down your thoughts, feelings and what you have succeeded in doing.
You are wrong
You express your opinions or tell about how you experience something. He just says no and claims you'm wrong. Example: you say "It's a little cold tonight" He answers: "It's not cold, it's cold!" or he says "The serving took too long" you answer "I did not think we waited that long" he answers: "You are wrong!"
He's having fun at your expense
He says things that offend or hurt you and when you talk about it you hear "Do you not tolerate a joke or?" This is a blow under the belt, especially if he does it in front of other people.
He forgets and ignores
He "forgets" what you have agreed on. He never does the things he promised you, but says he will do it soon, but now that you are nagging, he lost his desire. It can give you a lot of trouble but he waves you off with something like "Everyone forgets sometimes, are you going to kill me or not?" This is a passive-aggressive behavior, a way to show hostility and get away with it.
Constant criticism and accusations
He criticizes and accuses you of a lot of things. You are too sensitive, too cheeky, too thick, too narrow, too talkative, too quiet. You are stupid. You are never satisfied.
Criticism can also come more wrapped up as "good advice", when he pretends to "want to help you improve". It is very corrosive to self-esteem to constantly hear what is wrong with one. He can also tell you about your mistakes when you hang out with others and make you feel stupid.
Order
He speaks to you as if you were his handmaid. "Clean up here" "You do not put on that dress" "Now we go!" "No discussion!"
Abuse or a bad day?
Do you doubt if it is abuse or if he just had a bad day? Conflicts occur in all relationships. Everyone probably hurts each other at some point and all people get angry. But how do you know if it's abuse or a quarrel?
Here are some clues:
The behavior recurs.
The intention is to humiliate and devalue rather than make a complaint.
The intention is to dominate and control, not to give constructive criticism.
The abuser has a generally disrespectful attitude towards you. It's not about pointing out ONE thing he does not like.
