White Crane Centre
Goju ryu, Kyusho jitsu, Krav Maga, Kobudo.
Warning Signs
Warning signs
Manipulation
There are some people we should protect ourselves from, and there are people who are trying to manipulate us.
The manipulator is called the manipulator in this text. The manipulator tries to get other people to give him things, do things, or behave in a certain way without saying clearly that this is what he wants from the other.
A person who is open and clear about what she wants from you is not manipulative.
To say: "I would like you to help me with ..." "I would like you to come to my house ..." "This is what I would like from you ..." is to ask straight and clear the other about matters.
In such a relationship, there is an openness and also a respect, which means that if the other person says no, this no is often accepted by the person who asked.
In such a relationship, there is respect for each other's boundaries, and in the face of the fact that everyone has the right to say no and has the right to decide for themselves over their life, their things, their feelings and their behavior. One does not have to wonder what the other wants from one or what the other is looking for, because everything is said openly and respectfully.
The manipulator, on the other hand, tries to get things from you without openly asking for them. He or she manipulates you where he or she wants by playing on different things. These are usually:
your fears
your feelings of guilt
your sense of duty
The person who is manipulative is often very skilled at seeing other people's weaknesses and sore points. If you are afraid of not being liked by others, the manipulator can play on your fear of not being liked by saying: "Well, you do not want to do that, yes there are some who think you are weird who said no.
" If you have feelings of guilt for not showing up enough for an older parent, you may hear "Yes, do not worry about me only, I understand that you have a lot to do, I must try to manage alone even if my heart has gotten worse .
" If you have a strong sense of duty, the manipulator can say things that involve you betraying, that you are lazy or that you are careless.
It is therefore important to remember that the manipulator uses your sore points to make you feel a certain way. You will feel "bad" in one way or another.
You may have suddenly had a bad conscience, become anxious about something you did not worry about before or started to feel like a big traitor, to name a few examples.
When you have thus begun to be filled with negative emotions and fears, you are easier to manipulate.
Eager to please, to do right for you and to stand up, you can suddenly agree to a lot of things that you do not really want to do. You may say yes to something because you have a bad conscience or because you have a stomach ache from the mere thought of being disliked by others. The manipulator has thus managed to get you where he or she wants by playing on your emotions.
In summary, it can be said that the manipulator wants to make you feel in a special way so that you will act in a special way, which will benefit the manipulator and give him / her what he / she wants, without having to say clearly what he / she or she wants.
The person who is manipulative is usually very kind and charming, especially at the beginning of the contact. You may be rocked into a cozy, flattering state where you get compliments, encouragement, gifts and help with everything. You may be put on a pedestal.
The manipulator may be an excellent listener and suddenly you have told a lot of personal things about yourself (which the manipulator will then use.)
The information about you will be used by the manipulator to understand your sore points, your fears, where your bad conscience exists and what you feel guilty about.
A person who does not care what others think of her will not be able to be manipulated when it comes to her social relationships.
But if she also has complexes for her appearance, it can be an area for the manipulator to use and play on - for example, the fear of signs of aging, the fear of gaining weight, etc.
HOW DO I KNOW THAT I AM BEING MANIPULATED?
You have a vague feeling that something is not right.
That the person in question is not really trustworthy, but that from a purely rational point of view it seems unlikely because the person is so kind and charming to you.
You do not know where you have the person in question.
You feel that he or she wants something from you but you do not know what it is. The person may suddenly seem satisfied, as if he or she has received what he or she wanted, but you do not know what it is.
The person in question uses vague information, such as "Some people think you let them down when you said no to doing so.
"Who are 'some'?
Can the person specify which ones it is about?
The person may even change and deny that he or she has said certain things.
If you confront the person that you feel manipulated, everything is thrown back at you and you get the blame.
It is not possible to sort out what is happening or discuss it in an open, respectful way.
If you ask correctly what the manipulator wants, you will not get a real, clear answer.
You feel like a "bad person" after contact with the manipulator. You may feel anxious, uneasy, have a bad conscience, feel like a traitor, feel unpopular, lazy, ugly, insecure, anxious or impulsive, to name a few.
Your fear has started ticking and makes you make decisions, say yes, say no, act or behave in a certain way, sometimes quite hastily.
In contact with the manipulator, you do things that you then regret and feel bad about. You feel that everything went very quickly.
HOW CAN I AVOID BEING MANIPULATED?
If possible - break contact with the person who manipulates you and makes you feel bad and do things you do not really want.
Keep the distance to the manipulator.
Do not disclose anything about yourself. Avoid showing your sore points or telling about your fears.
Stay neutral.
Say no. You have the right to say no.
Ask for time to think: "I need time to think about that."
Do not worry about what the manipulator thinks of you. Do not worry if he / she is talking behind your back.
This is how the manipulator does. It can also be an expression that you have succeeded in not letting yourself be manipulated.
Question the manipulator's statements: "What do you mean now?" "What people do you think have said that about me?" "I do not recognize myself in that." "If there's something you want, you can ask me for it right away."
Stand on you. Do not waver.
Repeat your no and your positions, but without defending or explaining them.
Do not grab the bait that the manipulator throws out, such as "There were some who were disappointed in you when you did so."
Do not drop the socket. Keep calm! Some not strong feelings in the face of anyone trying to manipulate you.
Trust your gut feeling.
Know that a manipulative person aims at kind, naive, trusting people.
For example, being kind is something very nice and valuable, but do not show that kindness to someone you do not trust. In a perfect world, everyone could be trusted, but unfortunately that is not the case.
Forgive yourself if you have been manipulated by someone.
It is not easy to resist someone who is manipulative, and most people do this once or several times.
But you can learn from your mistakes and strengthen yourself so that you do not become as easy a change next time !! You can develop and move on in life.
Believe in yourself.
Think critically.
As long as you are afraid of something, you risk being manipulated. Work with your fears and be frugal with who gets to see your fears.
