White Crane Centre
Goju ryu, Kyusho jitsu, Krav Maga, Kobudo.
Separation
Separation from the abuser's perspective
When the abuser feels that the woman is about to detach from him, become stronger and perhaps want to leave him, he can resort to some of the following behaviors: (taken from the book Why does he do that? By Lundy Bancroft)
He may recover immediately. He promises to change, becomes kinder and more helpful. He may end up with behaviors he knows you do not like by, for example, drinking less, being at home more, taking care of the household to a greater degree or courting you in different ways. He may even say he wants to seek help and start therapy. He may apologize for things he has done. He may be grabbing things you're complaining he's not doing. In short - he suddenly becomes the man you wish he was and the man you always wanted to believe he really is. The man he was at the beginning of the relationship, the man you fell in love with. This is a facade.
He can say that you will never be able to do without him. He can say that no other man will want you. These two lines are a classic in this context. They can do great harm if you believe in them, but are extremely common and nothing to take for granted. That's a lie, he says. Perhaps it helps to know that an enormous number of abusers utter precisely these words when they feel that the woman is about to leave him.
He can suddenly play the role of victim. He may threaten suicide if you want to leave him. He may make you feel guilty for wanting to leave him. He can behave self-destructively by, for example, drinking too much or isolating himself. He can even get other people to pressure you to give him a second chance.
He may start a new relationship, to make you jealous or angry.
He can threaten you in different ways, more or less diffusely. He may threaten to take custody of the children. He may threaten to make sure you do not get any financial resources. He can threaten to hurt you or even kill you. If you have met a new man, he may threaten to injure or kill him.
He can spread rumors about you and try to destroy your friendships or your reputation. He may disseminate private information about you for the purpose of humiliating you.
He can destroy your possessions.
He can become physically or sexually violent. Separation can be a dangerous time for the woman leaving an abuser.
He can stalk you, stalk you, by constantly calling, emailing or making spontaneous visits. He can behave unpredictably - if you have children in common, he can constantly change agreements or contact you in time and out of time under the pretext that something must be discussed regarding the children. If you still live together, he can watch over you and follow you.
He may have the intention to make you pregnant, to bind you to him through a child.
The abuser can switch between these different tactics. He can be nice and charming one day, in order to lure you back, to become threatening the next day (when his "charm" has not worked). However, the abuser can behave badly even when he himself does not want a reunion and continue the relationship.
TAKE A BREAK
Men who want control rarely agree to take a break from the relationship. Sometimes he can outwardly agree to it, just to contact the woman during the pretense to discuss some practical matter or "greet her" from some mutual friend. If the woman asked him not to call, he might send a courtesy card in the mail or email her. He can also show up in places where he knows the woman will be. When the woman finally agrees to meet him, he will probably charm her, remind her of how romantic he can be and in every way be the man she once fell for.
The abuser sees the break as a declaration on the part of the woman that she is capable of coping without him, that she has her own will, that she knows best herself what is good for her and that her own needs should not always come second. All this he does not want to happen. He is afraid that the woman will realize that she is better off without him, that she will realize that there are people who actually treat her with kindness and respect, and that it will become increasingly clear to her that some of her friends have men who treat them well and as equals. The abuser suspects that a break can be far too strengthening and healthy for the woman.
HOW THE ABUSE LOOKS AT SEPARATION
"Abuse is not a reason to end a relationship."
The abuser sees the abuse as a way to balance the fact that he sometimes feels unfairly treated in different ways by the woman. His thinking is that if the woman can not be perfect and meet all his needs, she deserves the treatment she received from him.
"It should be enough that I promise to improve in the future."
The abuser feels entitled to get unlimited with "new chances". He believes that the woman should be content with his verbal assurances that he intends to change or has already changed, regardless of whether his behavior still indicates the opposite.
"There is no limit to how much she should put in the effort to work on our relationship."
Once the woman leaves the man, she has often endured verbal and perhaps even physical abuse for a long time. She has done everything she can to change the relationship for the better. The problem is, in fact, with the abuser, and he has done nothing to change it. Still, he thinks the woman needs to work even harder.
"She is still responsible for my feelings and my well-being."
In the world of the abuser, the woman is still responsible for how his feelings and needs, even after they have separated. She is also responsible for the pain and hurt feelings he feels she caused him through the separation, according to the abuser's way of seeing it. He may want to punish her in different ways for it.
"The relationship is over when I say it's over."
The abuser wants to set the conditions for when it is definitely over.
"She belongs to me."
The abuser has the attitude that the partner is like a personal possession to him, and this attitude can be strengthened when the relationship is about to end. In the worst case, he can persecute her, try to "scare away" people who want to help her, make it difficult for her to have a new relationship with a man or physically attack her. According to Lundy Bancroft, there are several studies that have shown that the abuse can worsen in connection with the separation and shortly after the separation.
